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I'll show the lot of you! Quotes.net. I'll swallow it and run a mile! Withnail: I've got a bastard behind the eyes. How like an angel in apprehension! An old woman with a clunky hearing aid pinned to her apron opens the door, she still doesn't answer. Monty: Here hare here. [Jake has left a dead hare hanging on the cottage door, along with a note], Monty: Marwood: We are not drunks, we are multi-millionaires! And indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory. But old now, old. Uncle Monty: Come on lads, let's get home, the sky's beginning to bruise. It's too hot so he drops it]. Withnail: What's in your hump? Withnail: Scrubbers! What are we going to do about it? The only programme I'm likely to get on is the fucking news. "Geoff Woade is feeling better and is now prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about." And at the end, it seems Withnail is sad that Marwood is leaving him and regrets his choices. Hare. the web and also on Android and iOS. I'm not having this shag sack insulting me! Marwood: We can't go on like this. Is Marwood in love with Withnail? Marwood stands there, petrified, the bull is scraping the ground with its front hoof, snorting, he throws the shopping the air and it scatters in the mud. Have you had any training in the martial arts? Uncle Monty: Here hare here here hare here! Before I became a journalist I was in the Territorials. Be seated. Withnail: Old suit?! Prostitutes for the bees. When I come in, I seen one the size of a fucking dog. It's wearing a yellow sock. Withnail: Stop saying that! The cottage. Withnail: Give me a downer, Danny. Monty: He told me that first day you came to Chelsea. let him get his drugs out! Best kill it quick before it tries to make friends with us. Withnail: Sulking up the hill. To tutor it in the ways of righteousness, and procure some uncontaminated urine. Monty: moment in a TV show, movie, or music video you want to share. The movie, which takes place in England in late 1969, involves the misadventures of a pair of chronically unemployed actors. Withnail: Marwood: Look at us! I adore you. You know what we should do? Marwood: Look at that, accident black spot! I couldn't, I'm spaced. Withnail: Monty: What on Earth are those? Danny: Bit early in the morning for festivities, isn't it? "Oh no, please, don't pull my head off." The Withnail and I film script contains a virtually non-stop array of one-liners from all the main characters - and for this reason the film is often touted as being one of the most quotable films ever made. Free to those who can afford it, very expensive to those who can't. save. Withnail: Monty: Withnail: Well neither have I. Jesus Christ, this huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. 10 quotes from Withnail and I: the Original Screenplay: 'We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell.' . Just run at it! I have a heart condition, if you hit me it's murder. [noticing the plastic bags that Withnail is wearing over his shoes] Especially that. I tell you, I've a f*** sight more talent than half the rubbish that gets on television. Withnail: It's obsessed with its gut, it's like a bloody rugby ball now! Withnail: Will it? If you don't remember the sixties, don't worry neither did they. Monty: Now, come along, Im going to teach you how to peel a potato., I must have some booze. And as Presuming Ed here has so consistently pointed out, we have failed to paint it black. That's politics, innit? Withnail: But no man's put me down yet. There's nothing out there except a hurricane. Screaming like a madman he moves towards the bull, which turns around and runs back through the gate. [cheerfully hopping back over the wall] But sooner or later you got to get out, because it's crashing. Scrubbers! How dare you tell him that?! We live in a land of weather forecasts and breakfasts that set in. Withnail: Then why has my head gone numb? An expert on bulls you are not! Precisely the reason I'm smoking it. I thought they'd all be out the back, drinking cider and discussing butter. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Withnail: If I ever see that silage-heap hanging about up here, I'll take the bastard axe to him. [wakes up in the back seat of the car, which is moving along the motorway] You've got soup. Oh dear, no, no, no, I'd be sucked into his trap. Little tarts, they love it! I'm in considerable danger here, I must get out of here at once. "Here. This is me, naked in a corner! Withnail: [whispering] He's going into your room. We want them here and we want them now! Talk:Withnail and I. Monty: Here hare here! Marwood: Danny: I dont advise a haircut, man. Withnail is cowering under the covers, the bedroom door slowly opens and the intruder enters with a torch, screwing his eyes shut in terror, moaning, the man who called Marwood a ponce gets up and walks over to them. No need to get uptight, man. I must be out of my mind. And this one has a definite imbalance of hormone in him. What's going on? Ponce! Oh, Baudelaire. Listen, we're bona fide. Web. General: Shut that gate and keep it shut! I know you're not asleep, boy. Why didn't I get any soup? report. Marwood: Marwood: What had I done to offend him? Get any more masculine than him and you'd have to live up a tree. Withnail: Reflecting these times. Withnail: All right, this is the plan. [pointing an eel at him] You need working on, boy! Withnail and I is a 1986 film comedy written and directed by Bruce Robinson and starring Richard E. Grant (Withnail), Paul McGann (Marwood, the "I" of the title), Richard Griffiths (Uncle Monty) and Ralph Brown (Danny). The greatest decade in the history of mankind is over. Marwood: Look at Geoff Woade. Withnail: It's got to warm up. I mean to have you, even if it must be burglary! Withnail: No fridges, no televisions, no phones! Marwood: All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Withnail: I didn't think he'd come all this way. Flowers are essentially tarts. We're not from London! Poacher. Who f***s arses? You just wait. Apart from a raw potato, that's the only solid to have passed my lips in the last 60 hours. Marwood: I think you've been punished enough. Even the wankers on the site wouldn't drink that! According to these instructions, you refuse everything but a urine sample. He slams it shut and slumps against it, shaken, a few minutes later, Withnail re-enters the cottage holding a wet stick, Withnail sees Marwood eating some brownish fluid out of a bowl with a spoon, Monty's Rolls-Royce pulls up outside the window, looking at the kitchen sink overflowing with dirty dishes, he picks up the kettle on the stove. Are you the farmer? Followed by yet another anecdote about his sensitive crimes in a punt with a chap called Norman who had red hair and a book of poetry stained with the butter drips from crumpets. Oh, of course you are. Danny: An expert on bulls you are not! It was like walking into a lung. Be seated. [she still doesn't answer. Withnail: Danny: You got to throttle him. The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. An expert on bulls you are not! Withnail: What the fuck are you talking about? Scrubbers! This is a device enabling the drunken driver to operate in absolute safety. Withnail: Withnail: Me? Jesus, look at that. God fulfils himself in many ways. I've told you why. You don't deserve such loyalty. What happened to my cigar commercial? Stand aside! They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into you brain! You're out of your mind! I know how you feel and how difficult it is. Withnail is walking him to the station in the heavy rain, they stop and look at each other. share. [looking at a newspaper] : Withnail and I. I find the quote read by Monty from the note written by the poacher very usable: "Here, Hare, here." Surely Herr Hare Here. Marwood stands there, petrified]. And if I spike you, you'll know you've been spoken to. Withnail: Imagine getting into a fight with the f***er! 2 quotes have been tagged as withnail-i: Bruce Robinson: 'We've gone on holiday by mistake' and Bruce Robinson: 'Here. Marwood: [as Marwood walks past him] Withnail: There must and shall be aspirin, or I shall die, here, on this f***ing mountainside! It's like a bloody rugby ball now, it will die, it will die! Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot? Well, I don't know. Withnail: That's a very good idea. Who is the huge spade in the bath? Probably wintering with his mother in Guildford. Will we never be set free? A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us. The "I must sleep with you because I've been scared" - convenient isn't it, when you're both half or . Danny: If I medicined you, you'd think a brain tumour was a birthday present! Here hare here!' She said she'd closed. [sticking out his yellowy tongue] One of my favourite movies. [shouts out of the car window at a man standing on the pavement]. [to Marwood] Do you like vegetables? Withnail: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Withnail_and_I&oldid=3185462. Indeed, I remember my first agent. Flowers are essentially tarts. You lead him astray. Come on lads, let's get home. We're incompatible. Withnail: I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the geranium. Marwood: Withnail. St Peter preached the epistles to the apostles looking like that. [calmly] Marwood: I've no idea, I've never met him. Hey, give us a wheeze on that fag. Hair are your aerials. This page was last edited on 1 November 2022, at 17:35. Monty: Danny: I happened to be looking for a suit for The Coalman two weeks ago. tags: humour, withnail-i. Here hare here? That's worse than meths! The older order changeth, yielding place to new. He slams it shut and slumps against it, shaken]. Withnail: He used to pick on me. You've got a rush. Do you mean you've been up here in all this beastly mud and oomska without Wellingtons? Well, lick 10 percent of the arses for me, then! What are you doing up here, then? Marwood: Uncle Monty: Get that damned little swine out of here! If you're hanging on to a rising balloon, you're presented with a difficult decision let go before it's too late or hang on and keep getting higher, posing the question: how long can you keep a grip on the rope? I want to see about digging the car out anyway. And we want them here, and we want them now! In fact, he'd probably tell you what he was going to do before he did it. What should we do? Night must fall and we shall be forced to camp. Here are found the emeralds, sapphires, carbuncles, topazes, chrysolites, onyxes, beryls, sardius, and other costly stones. Im in the same boat. "I'm going to pull your head off, because I don't like your head.". Brings back such memories of Oxford. Withnail: In that case, "To a delightful weekend in the country.". [he throws the shopping the air and it scatters in the mud. Dont be ridiculous. The sky's beginning to bruise, night must fall and we shall be forced to camp. STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Uncle Monty: It is the most shattering experience of a young man's life when one morning he awakes and quite reasonably says to himself, "I will never play the Dane.". Cunt gave him two years. Danny: How dare you tell him I'm a toilet trader! When I strike they won't know what hit them! There can be no true beauty without decay. I can't take aspirins without a drink. Withnail: Marwood: I'll deal with the water and other plumbings, you can check the fuel and wood situation. Those are the kind of windows faces look in at. General: Marwood: There can be no true beauty without decay. Now, come along, I'm going to teach you how to peel a potato. These pheasants are for my pot. What fucker said that? Let him get his drugs out. Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness! Now that represents a degree of hypocrisy I've hitherto suspected in you, but have not noticed due to highly evasive skills. I shall miss you too. General: Probably on a tenner a day, and I know what for! If you think you're going to have a weekend's indulgence up here at his expense, which means him having a weekend's indulgence up here at my expense, you got another thing coming. I tell you, I've a fuck sight more talent that half the rubbish that gets on television. Old suit? You want working on, boy. I think there may be something living in there, I think there may be something alive. The bastard's about to run at me! Much more of this and I'm going to apply for meals on wheels. The thermostats. Marwood: How noble in reason! Imagine the size of his balls. [Withnail suddenly runs out of the pub, so does Marwood], [Marwood is in the pub toilets, after walking past a hulking Irishman who's called him a ponce]. I don't want to hear it. If I hadn't told him you were active we'd never have got the cottage. 'He used to pick on me. Danny: I'm preparing myself to forgive you. Clearly a myth. Peter Marwood (I): We want the finest wines available to humanity! Uncle Monty: I can never touch raw meat until it's cooked. Dead down the drain? Jake: Now look, you. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Withnail And I. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. "In a world exclusive interview, 33 year old shot putter Geoff Woade who weighs 317 pounds, admitted taking massive doses of anabolic steroids, drugs banned in sport. [to Marwood] Monty: 4 Mar. I don't consciously offend big men like this. Rubbish. Withnail and I is a 1986 film comedy written and directed by Bruce Robinson and starring Richard E. Grant (Withnail), Paul McGann (Marwood, the "I" of the title), Richard Griffiths (Uncle Monty) and Ralph Brown (Danny). Withnail: Monty: No, I haven't got another. [they've arrived at the cottage, it's cold and dark]. Withnail: She got a doll on Christmas what pisses itself. Monty: [shouting at his cat] Don't be ridiculous. Prostitutes for the bees. Right, now we're going to have to approach this scientifically. That's what I want to know! [voiceover] It is the most shattering experience of a young man's life when one morning he awakes and quite reasonably says to himself "I will never play the Dane." They're selling hippie wigs in Woolworth's, man. Withnail: He's so mauve, we don't know what he's planning! [takes pill out of doll] Trade: Pheno-dihydrochloride-benzorex. Sherry? I must go home at once and discuss his problems in depth. Danny: And that's why you mustn't hold back, let it ruin your youth as I nearly did over Eric. I'd never have wanted it, not with him in it! Add spice to it. How *dare* you! you little traitors. How come Monty owns such a horrible little shack? Danny: Belongs to the fellow downstairs. Danny: Marwood: is the clip Thanks! Here."" (Richard Griffiths) "Laisse-moi, respirer . Withnail: How infinite in faculties! And here we are, we three, perhaps the last island of beauty in the world. The beauty of the world. Uncle Monty: I've been preparing myself to forgive you. Monty: Course you have, you're the poacher. Honestly. Excuse me, we were wondering if we could purchase a pheasant off of you? We mean no harm! Withnail: Monty: Marwood: No, he'd like a bit of pleading. It can utilise up to 12 skins. Uncle Monty: Oh! Withnail: Why don't you use a cup like any other human being? Danny's here. Withnail: I could take double anything you could! Look out that window, if you see anything, anything at all, tell me. I'm not having this shag-sack insulting me! You want me to call whatshisname and ask him about his house? Yeah, I know, but I got the logs in. . Here comes another fucker! The Coalman had to go to Jamaica. The paragon of animals! [Heckles pedestrian] Throw yourself into the road, darling, you haven't got a chance! You got a rush. "Withnail and I Quotes." Withnail: I don't consciously offend big men like this. A coward you are, Withnail! Matter. Withnail: That's what you'd say, but that wouldn't wash with Geoff. Marwood: Withnail: I'll not have this shag sack insulting me! Ah, he knows. Withnail: I fail to see my familys of any interest to you. I recommend you smoke some more grass. There's a man over there that doesn't like the perfume, the big one. And the Coalman looks at him and says "You think *you* look normal, your honour?" Withnail: This pill's valued at two quid. There are are things in there; there's a teabag growing! [after a phone call with his agent] Oh, my boys, my boys, we're at the end of an age. Marwood: I tried not to. Danny: We'll buy this place and have it knocked down! Withnail: Rejuvenate! You hold it down, I'll strangle it. I'm good looking. Laisse-moi, respirer, longtemps, longtemps, l'odeur de tes cheveux. You're not in the same boat. [spits onto the ground] A Massachusetts man was sentenced to probation for running an illegal hare trapping operation in Maine. Marwood: Marwood: You're full of Scotch, you silly tool! Man delights not me, no, nor women neither. He winces as he stretches his leg, the drunken, elderly pub landlord opens the till and it hits it him the chest and he almost falls down, they go and sit down at a table with their drinks, fondling the money Monty has given them to buy Wellingtons, a poacher enters the pub with pheasants stuffed under his coat, making him look like a hunchback, he pulls Withnail's cigarette out of his mouth and puts it in his, after having entirely covered himself in muscle embrocation to keep warm, Withnail laughs uncontrollably and drops to the floor, Marwood comes out of the bathroom wearing a towel, Withnail has been pulled over by the police for speeding down the motorway in the beat-up Jaguar, gesturing at the wine bottles and Marwood in the back, in a telephone box, speaking to an operator, noticing the plastic bags that Withnail is wearing over his shoes, after being threatened by Jake the poacher, Danny offers Withnail his huge Camberwell Carrot spliff, Marwood is leaving to go to Manchester to do a play. Withnail: His head must weigh fifty pounds on its own. Or do you shut yourself off from new experience? For reasons I can't really discuss with you, he had to go to Jamaica. He says he wont come in for lunch without an apology. They are playing poker with bottle tops and a . You shouldn't treat each other so badly. Have you met Jake? Withnail: Withnail:I'll not have this shag sack insulting me! Withnail is cowering under the covers]. Withnail: I feel like a pig shat in my head. Withnail: How should I possibly know what we should do? Withnail: I think we've been in here too long. You haven't slept in sixty hours, you're in no state to tackle it. Withnail: [reading graffiti] Withnail: Opened the oven door and it was in there looking at me. Danny: If you're hanging on to a rising balloon, you're presented with a difficult decision - let go before it's too late or hang on and keep getting higher, posing the question: how long can you keep a grip on the rope? We're in the middle of a f***ing gale. Yes, we'll buy this place and we'll install a fucking jukebox in here and liven all you stiffs up a bit! That's what you say. Don't look, don't look! I mean to have you even if it must be burglary. If you don't remember the sixties, don't worry - neither did they. [telephoning his agent] You're simply blackmailing your emotions to avoid the realities of your relationship with him. Marwood: What is all this "tactical necessity" and "calculated risk?!" Ive absolutely no interest in yours. Withnail: Marwood: It is a bond filled with trust, unconditional love, understanding, and support. They can handle the caftan but they cannot handle the bell. A little before your time. Danny: Jesus Christ. All right, this is the plan. A pair of quadruple whiskies and another pair of pints, please. Monty: Withnail: You can stuff it up your arse for nothing and f*** off while you're doing it! Danny: Now, come along, he's going to revitalise himself and you're going to finish the vegetables. We may as well sit round this cigarette. [voiceover] Jake: So, there's this judge sitting there in a cape like fucking Batman with this really rather far-out looking hat. Because if you do, I'll have to give you a dose of medicine. Withnail: If I hear more words out of you, I'll put one of these here black pods on you. [approaching the pub] Probably wintering with his mother in Guildford. I brought two of these in case either of you is any good in the kitchen. Withnail: What is all this tactical necessity and calculated risk? Half dead he may be, but I'll come up after you, and I'll wake you up with a live one. I'm good-looking. extends arm with umbrella straight up to sky, seeing a road sign reading "ACCIDENT BLACK SPOT. This huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. I demand to have some booze!. Monty: Well, of course you don't, you are incapable of indulging in anything but pleasure, am I not right? It used to give him bad tempers and act up said his wife. Surrounded by trees and nature one feels a *glorious* stirring on the senses, a rejection of *poisonous* inhibition, and a *fecund* motion of the soul. [Withnail sees Marwood eating some brownish fluid out of a bowl with a spoon] Murder and All-Bran and rape. By the time the doors opened he was arseholed on rum and got progressively more arseholed until he could take no more and fell over at about 12 o'clock. by Anonymous: reply 16: February 3, 2021 10:58 PM: I've gone on holiday by mistake. But now he's stopped, he's much better in our sex life and in our general life.'" Danny: Withnail: You've had an audition. Withnail: Easy for you to say, luvvie, you've had an audition. Oh God, it's a nightmare, I tell you, it's a nightmare. Yes, you are! Marwood: I'd never have wanted it, not with him in it! Withnail: Withnail: We want to get in there, don't we? If my father was loaded I'd ask him for some money. Marwood: I demand to have some booze! Quotes About Cool Kid (57 Quotes) www.quotemaster.org. Monty: Listen to me, listen to me! [voiceover] No fridges, no televisions, no phones. There is a hare tied to the door with a note attached. Having said that, I now intend to leave for London. reading, studying, and reflecting this history have led to this moment. It's the only solution to this intense cold. Nothing that reasonable members of society demand as their rights! Dosed 'em. Marwood: I wouldn't drink that if I was you. Two out-of-work actors -- the anxious, luckless Marwood and his acerbic, alcoholic friend, Withnail -- spend their days drifting between their squalid flat, the unemployment office and the pub. I need at least an hour for lunch., Even a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day. Withnail: How should I know where we are? We are not drunks, we are multimillionaires! Why doesn't he retire? What's it got to do with you? Marwood: You never discuss your family, do you? Danny: As the world communicates more and more via texts, memes and sound bytes, short but profound quotes from books have become more relevant and important. But old now, old. This dreadful little Israelite. Black puddings are no good to us. He went to the other place, Monty. 'He used to get in bad tempers and act up,' said his wife. The man was fined $10,000 and was ordered to pay $1,843 in restitution to Maine. 13 million Londoners have to wake up to this. Withnail is walking him to the station in the heavy rain]. If you're hanging onto a rising balloon, you're presented with a difficult decision. Oh, how I tried not to. Withnail: Headhunter to everyone. Withnail: (Ranting on a mountain) Bastards! If you don't remember the sixties, don't worry neither did they. No it doesn't. Bastard asked me to understudy Konstantin in The Seagull. He is even taller than Withnail and much more burly. [voiceover] Marwood: [reading a newspaper] It'll happen. Change down, man. Prostitutes for the bees. Marwood: My thumbs have gone weird! [to Withnail] "I'm going to pull your head off." The carrot has mystery. I never thought he'd come all this way. We want the finest wines available to humanity. Monty: Find *anything*. As a youth, I used to weep in butchers' shops! [ripping Withnail's tartan scarf off his neck] Withnail: You don't understand.