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Plan and reminisce together to create shared anticipation beforehand and shared . It often goes along with a dose of jealousy, as most often, this is about a nice vacation Im going to take or some fun activity. We both very quickly realized its quite safe, and a really interesting place to be, in a good sense. I dont even like Vegas and end up there twice a year because its such a common conference location because of the affordability. I was just coming here to ask if she asked him to Turn his key!. Youre an adult, OP! In fact, it has been a trying fifteen . I know you know this, Anonymous Poster, but I want to add something to this statement. Most of them. Vegas! Ive been to Vegas many, many times. And you will regret it even more if your marriage ends and you put yourself in a worse position just to appease irrational fears. My mom is the same way. I went to Vegas for work once. Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. You have obviously not spent much time in New York City. In most normal partnerships where you have shared responsibilities its not so much asking permission, as its checking in to make sure spouse doesnt need you For anything at that time. Not sure which update youre looking atshe says she meant wouldnt in that sentence, which means exactly what Coffee Lover is saying. And he wouldnt like it either, wed be heading down to the pool and see people going to conferences and feel sorry for them that they had to spend the day inside while we sat in the sun with a mojito. I trust my wife but I dont trust a lot of strange people. Obviously we will have to stop every few hours to feed her. Just my two cents. Right!? That shows lack of trust in me, and thats no bueno. But it was a pain in the ass to get there, I felt super unsafe walking around at night (as in, someone else from the conference actually got muggedthere were few street lights and the streets were deserted after dark), and the food sucked. We of course send the Im here texts and goodnight and such. DH and I took our little girl on a 14-hour car trip when she was 4 weeks old (she's 10 weeks now). This makes me so mad on behalf of the OP! Dont get hit by a car!! pathfinder: wrath of the righteous ending slides. One doesnt just spontaneously undo decades of enculturation, on either side, and women are taught that we are *supposed* to accept emotional baggage AND that it is OUR JOB to do the emotional labor of fixing other peoples negative emotional states. Especially if you think it is an anxiety-stemming thing, instead of a control-stemming thing. Your man doesnt have much of an opinion of you, does he? Other than me being bored out of my skull, nothing happened! For me, this is a differentiation between asking for permission from the perspective of consideration for the other person (kids are the #1 reason here), and asking for permission because the nature of your relationship dictates that one person gets to decide what the other person can/should be doing. Honestly the greatest threat to LWs safety is probably lung cancer from second-hand smoke in the casinos. I dont see it as misogynist. Privacy Policy and Affiliate Disclosures. This is a case where you cannot cater to his anxiety or insecurity. But I just wanted to let you know that there are at least two people in the world who definitively do not agree with your husband. He can express an opinion at most. update: is my future manager a bigoted jerk? -03-2022, 0 Comments ), but yes, getting reinforcement on the anxiety (in this case from the friends the husband surveyed) can definitely make things worse. OP, I really hesitate to use the word abuse when it comes to anyone elses relationship, but this post is giving me bad flash backs to a boyfriend who did this kind of thing to me all the time and I now know that it was psychological, emotional abuse and manipulation. You could walk up to the bar to order a drink and tell that person you need some assistance and they are on it in seconds. He was jealous and controlling before we got engaged. But its a good idea to add in. I dont think its all that misogynistic cheating isnt the only thing hes worried about. When I talk to my friends nowadays (still in Ohio, btw! Yeah, my cousin isnt allowed to travel without her husband. I can completely see how people who watched the sensational crime shows can imagine the world is terrifying, BUT its TV, *not* real life. I just want to come back to the point about where the first fear of his that you list off, OP, is that youre going to cheat on him. I wonder if OPs husband has watched too much CSI? Whether hes choosing them consciously or not, hes certainly trying to use them as a weapon to manipulate his wife into doing what he wants. I thought I was the problem, and he was kind and honorable and funny and thoughtful. I think she was happier than I was when I got married because, in her words Mr. She would step into the hallway during the conference and ask what he wanted, and he would say he wanted to make sure she was where she was supposed to be. The letter writer specifically ASKED about anxiety. And my husband has two business trips of at least four days each in the next two months and Im rather thrilled. Has he ever left the house? And she would always schedule conferences for her small business in Vegas, for the exact reasons you listed. Its just worth knowing that having a long list of good traits doesnt mean you arent in a problematic relationship, or that you cant choose nope for your own emotional health. OPs partners behavior is affecting her directly. And heres what wethink will help. Thats a CA classic. How entitled can someone be to think that their ex has to justify wanting to break up and have a good cause? Your husband also seems really unduly anxious about Las Vegas. Huh. I only left the conference hotel a couple of times, always with a group, and we were in the touristy area right next to the Gaslamp district anyway. This is none of his business and catering to his insecurities is not your responsibility. I'm in the car right now with a 6-week-old on what is usually a 11-hour drive, which we broke up into two days with a night at a hotel midway. They are for sure marketing themselves as a place you can party it up (and you certainly can do that) but again, thats not unwholesome in and of itself. I dont think that would help the situation, however. On work travel, it looks like meeting rooms and the booth in the exhibit hall. And wondered aloud how he would have been if wed been together in the days I was traveling to Kosovo, Bosnia and Iraq as a newspaper reporter. Besides, the OP is going to spend most of her time in a conference room that looks like every other conference room in the western world, anyway. Prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas. Our daughter will be three months Old and she always falls asleep in the car. My professional association alternates years between Vegas and Disney for its annual conference because those two places are both great for massive groups of people at a reasonable price. Im wondering if hes ever been to Vegas? I cant recall exactly how they recommended to handle it, but it started with asking the spouse about what exactly they feared and coming to a compromise that would address the fear. If I went home today and told my husband, My work is sending me on a business trip to Las Vegas in 3 months, this would be his response: Wow, honey, thats great! Post author By ; impossible burger font Post date July 1, 2022; southern california hunting dog training . What about yourself? Good luck to you in standing firm. A dancer charged a bunch of stuff on my credit card. (sees where incident happened) Or maybe, you bought 10 bottles of Cristal for strippers and then panicked when your accounting department asked for a receipt? Interestingly, prostitution is a county-by-county decision in Nevada. OP can call out her husband by offering to buy a $1MM (or whatever number) life insurance policy for the duration of the vegas trip. One day was outside. Rationalist who is deeply against living by social norms is a great big flashing warning sign that says DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THIS PERSON. Is he OK generally and just bad about work trips? BTW, I hate the what happens in Vegas slogan and commercials as someone who did have a relationship end because of my partners infidelity, its not something that I find funny or amusing, and I cant imagine Im alone in that. Yes, this could actually be what he really is freaking out about, in my experience. If this isreally about more than the fear of cheating, it sounds like there arepretty serious anxiety issues in play here. Ah, but you have a job, and Im guessing are presumably a more equal breadwinner in your household. Why would you visit Vegas when you live in NOLA, unless it was for work. Wow. I know this is way off-topic, but deplane is a horrendous word. Even if I didnt hear from him or vice verse, we are adults. And we always get gorgeous hotel rooms for ridiculously cheap. Agreed. I know that many conferences are held there, and wouldnt bat an eye at my fiancee going there without me. We had screaming matches over girls night out or any activity that might throw me in the path of men. Friend: Uh-huh. My answer to the two questions asked in the original post are: No, you wouldn't be a terrible husband to go on a trip with a group without her. What other people? The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of What to Expect. Perhaps this is exhibiting itself in more ways than just this instance, and if so, its especially something youll want to address head on and as a team. I bet youll have fun. Just stayed at a swanky suite in the Venetian with a view of the strip for $140/night. Right? Period. In these instance either hes cheating, Im cheating (not happening), or one of us is crazy. Im not superstitious, so I was aware that it was completely bogus that my fears concentrated on that fact, but they nonetheless did. But also, my aunt and uncle are pretty bigoted and I know they modeled the idea of a submissive wife and dominant husband for my cousin. Most of them suffer from anxiety and sensory issues so they think Vegas sounds terrible in practice. Obviously when I say five hours it would be added time for stopping. Dont defend yourself and dont attack him. Co-worker had a wonderful time. Its better than it has been at times, but it never quite goes away. We are the City That Never Sleeps, remember? They were both married to other people, started an affair that weekend, and eventually left their spouses. If this were my husband, Id point out that Im statistically more likely to be murdered by him than by a stranger, therefore its probably safer to be in Vegas than at home. If its a crippling anxiety issue, a solo visit to a therapist and their GP for anxiety meds might be more effective. Just those who DO think its abuse should be aware that when they think that, the best thing to suggest is individual not joint therapy. Things to consider!! My jaw literally dropped. Havent read the comments to see if this is talked about yet, but I feel like religion has a play here I can see uber conservative religions having more problems with this situation than anything else. Get that man into counseling, pronto. He might be in some kind of internet echo chamber, like one of the misogynist subreddits, and all the guys in there told him Shes totes just going there to have sex with random dudes! because thats the way those corners of the internet are. My wife has these same kinds of fears during my daily commute, let alone when I travel for business. Gamboling is a type of frolicking around without a care in the world. (The sales guy told her, its just like any other dance show, but at half the price and without the headdress! I recognized the name and tried to talk her out of it, but she believed the sales guy over me.) Dont answer the phone? As someone in the convention industry, Vegas puts a LOT of effort into being a top convention destination (low cost, lots of large all-in-one spaces, lots of options for event entertainment), and pretty much every industry will have events that rotate through there. My husband and I sat way in the back and giggled through the whole show. Marriage CounselingDefinitely. I live in a small country area where most woman are not in my position & usually give in to husbands demands whether or not it is ethical.Counsling is usually never seeked out. Whether its legitimate is pretty much beside the point. Im glad you have found enough awareness around this issue to help you handle it. No, its not, but again Im not just speaking out of my ass here; I have seen similar anxiety issues firsthand. I think its also quite possible that hes either misrepresented it to the people hes asked, misrepresented their responses to the OP, and/or hasnt actually asked as many people as hes said he has. asks from Lake Charles, LA on June 30, 2011. Not all of the counties decided to legalize it, and as a result there is no legal prostitution in Las Vegas or Reno. Los Vegas is known more for shows and EDM festivals than anything else these days. They might be mad that they're not invited . Agree counseling would be a good place to start. This is a man who is trying to actively sabotage her career. I cant speak for anyone but IMHO a little travel, twice a year or so is fine and take your spouse if you can but this several overnights monthly is not what I signed up for. We are individual people, and of course we take each other into account, but ultimately neither of us is the others possession or pet. This is not helpful to the conversation, but seeing posts like this always remind me of a relationship I got out of many years ago (just 3 months before our wedding date!) The best way to stay up-to-date would be to regularly check the Official Disney Parks Blog . Its also putting some stress on our relationship, because Im starting to feel resentful about the time I have to spend reassuring you. Also, sometimes its exhausting to argue with an anxiety sufferer and you end up agreeing to get out of the discussion. Or is it just that hes an anxious person in general? You could be going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and uh, yes, of course she can go away without me is still the correct answer. At this rate, Im going to be too afraid to leave the house until spring, and thats not acceptable. Nope. Oh, for sure. It seems a loving husband would have found a way for his wife to attend her best friends wedding. Hes watched too many college Spring Break movies, right? The only sides are you both addressing a bad frame of reference that your spouse has. Yes. Except he took a poll of his mom. I did manage to save the relaionship (even though Mothers anxiety never went away; be prepared for that too) I truly hope that you can save your relationship with your spose, OP. I need you to stop doing that. (Im also concerned that hes collecting votes from his friends about whether to allow you to golike, wow, not only does he not trust you to make a decision, hes giving you a whole list of people who he apparently trusts more than you?) We look out for each other. Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) I wasnt allowed to take late classes in school bc good girls dont stay out after dark. I was bottle feeding at the time and would simply feed as my SO drove as well as changed diapers at either gas stops or just quickly in the car versus making 30-45 min stops. Lastly, if you know your husband likes to stay home, bring the party to your house. Not for me. He is not being reasonable or rational, so dont even try to engage with him as if he is. Only discussing the precise words given in the letter: He should not be demanding that you refuse to go on a business trip and unleashing all of this unfounded anxiety on you. As a side note to all of this, I watched the original CSI religiously for about 8 years, and had never been to Vegas (no easy opportunity and not really my thing). Conversely I dont think Ive ever paid less than $200/night for a business-class hotel in NYC, Austin, LA, etc. Vegas strip is basically just that a massive neon strip mall with lots of people. He does that three to four times a year. I mean, the worst thing that happened to me in Vegas was that I came back 10 pounds heavier from all the buffets. If your husband wont go to counseling, go alone. Honestly, given his insistence that your company is basically trying to ruin your marriage by sending you on a business trip and the tenor of the conversations hes had with others about allowing you to do your damn job, my gut screams traditionalist underachieving man threatened by successful wife. I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired. Plus those casinos take forever to walk across and they are saturated in smoke, blech! Nevertheless, couples therapy is ALSO necessary, because this is something that affects them as a couple and that they need to manage as a couple, even though the main onus is on him for managing his fears or whatever other issues he has. The number of dudes who felt the need to tell me how unsafe my backpacking around Europe with my best friend was was pretty high. He is the one with the heavy lifting, though. Hey, if they didnt want me to take 2 Jacuzzi baths a day they shouldnt have put a TV in there! If the OP is part of running the conference/event, yep, theyll be lucky to find the time for 8 hours sleep each night. I go there once or twice a year for my relaxing vacation. ), I also watched CSI for a lot of years, and on one of my trips to Vegas I stayed off-strip in a cheap hotel because I was trying to save money. Whenever we had a fight he would kowtow me with how everyone agreed with him and had various complaints about me that theyd apparently shared with him but never brought to me. My boyfriend used to freak out every time I had to travel for work. I think it was just awkward phrasing and the intent of the update meant his friends objected to the very idea of letting their spouse go to Vegas. I should also note. Thanks for your thoughtful self-awareness. hahaha, further confirmation of your choice. I do sympathize with what you are dealing with. I build these horrific scenarios in my mind about what supposedly happened. Oh, every election season angry people show up at 538 to explain that a poll of their social group shows 100% agreement with OP on everything, and so clearly the official polls are generated by a Vast Conspiracy. He might have a collection of like-minded friends who really would agree with him. But, at least in that case, she was 100% aware of the power dynamics she signed up for in entering the marriage, unlike our OP. Youre obviously free to disagree, but I think its archaic and not okay. Actually, prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas and gambling is legal in a Million places in the United States. This isnt a man with an anxiety problem. Conversely, if he came home with the same news, my response would be, Thats great! It turned out that this was part of a larger problem he would call her every ten minutes at her desk at work too, and if she didnt answer, he would have her paged over the intercom. When hed worry about what to do if, say, the house burned down while i was gone, I pointed out he could handle it just fine. Its not just irrational, it doesnt even make sense from the control freak point of view. My husband has cheerfully seen me off to conferences in Vegas, Austin, Reno, San Diego, Milwaukee, and other cities. I have horrible anxiety. There is SO much more to Vegas than gambling, booze, and illicit sex. When an argument starts stop trying to persuade him or defend yourself. I am not fond of the recent uptick in stories like this or men and women who wont go on a business lunch alone because its with a member of the opposite sex. Ive never gone to a weddings and heard vows that included I promise to love, honor, cherish, and ask your permission before I leave the house. LW, my husband would be honestly fine with me going to Vegas. I wonder if there are other circumstances in which he exhibits similar behavior. BUT, I dont actually think thats the most likely explanation for his issues. This is CONTROLLING and MANIPULATIVE behaviour. Seriously. Sometimes folks with untreated anxiety hear what they want to hear. There was no worry about that, my dad trusted her and knew she just needed a little break from being Mom and needed some time being Jane (not her real name) to recharge. Business trips for him are salt in a wound, Im guessing. He and this whole situation is definitely unstable and unsustainable. The kidnapping/roofie argument is the same nonsense my parents used to justify not letting my sister and me go to slumber parties but my brothers could go on trips to Europe. The businesspeople in Las Vegas want to make money. Youve never met them, but that doesnt mean that they dont exist. : Dont bring your kids to The Thunder Down Under that show doesnt have anything to do with the weather) but its pretty safe, relatively speaking. Everything he is afraid of is very very unlikely to happen and no more likely to happen in Vegas than any other city. I would completely understand if my partner were worried if I needed to go on one of these trips, but if he tried to FORBID me from goingyeah, that wouldnt go well for him. rarely cede ground. His parents are awful. You are married to someone who spent three days while you were traveling for work burdening you withgroundless questions about your conduct. At first I was shocked, but that was only due to the misconceptions about that place. And LWs husband doesnt get to veto business trips, either. It has helped me also to understand where that response came from not just the ex baggage, but early childhood experiences damaged his basic trust, which he is working on. I speak as someone whose husband is both a counselor and anxiety-sufferer. Nikada / iStock. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. I did a few Vegas-y things, but mostly I found really interesting things to do while not working. We can take care of ourselves. And insanely good airline availability and inexpensive flights. This sounds less like anxiety and more like controlling/abusive behavior. *Now having said all that, I 100% agree that the husband is over-reacting*. Not the least of which is that the people involved all made that choice for themselves there was no issues of someone letting or not. You just cant. There is no amount of structuring my life that would have kept me from feeling anxious. assigning women extra work to help them, calling out when youre in the ER, and more. Weve been a few times on holiday and love it the shopping, the food we dont even bother with the gambling. Its literally the opposite of a fun wild weekend. Theres a section in the book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier, that deals with a spouse like the OPs someone trying to manipulate their spouse away from going on an important business trip. You are right! Willing to bet that OPs husband, regardless of whats behind his behavior, is one of those. At least, not something like this, which is a very normal part of having a job. Any time I read My spouse wont let me . I want to yank that person out of that relationship. Sorry, that isnt useful. I love my husband to bits, hes a good man, but I would never ever ever want to be in a position where I was financially dependent on him. He asks that I check in with him once or twice a day for hi-and-I-love-you. Any evening events they go to are as likely as not to just be parties. If an employee told me that she wasnt able to go, that would result in me having a conversation about expectations and this is not unreasonable. The next obvious thing is, we all get to be as irrational as we want. It was still broad daylight, and I was with a group of fellow students. The husband may need counselling to discover why he willing to sabotage the family bread winner. Nothing magical about Vegas. I had to go to Vegas once a year for a few days at my last job and I hated it. What Anonymous Poster is describing is a learned skill that a therapist can teach mot people. Not from the letter and not from the follow ups. travel to Las Vegas by themselves and with groups and for work and for play all the time and it is completely normal. Maybe he has heightened anxiety. Ive met plenty of kids who were never allowed to even play Go Fish because playing non-gambling card games could lead to gambling. One thing I will mention about Vegas is that yes, like anywhere else, things can happen in regards to safety, but that city is so patrolled. Food! Do please note, even if he does have terrible anxiety or other mental health issues, hes also behaving in a really sexist manner, and being disabled doesnt give you carte-blanche permission to be a jerk. So thats what Ive been doing wrong all these years! Im not controlling or irrational, Im protecting my marriage!, An outsider can actually say Husband, this behaviour isnt normal or good for your relationship. I guess it's doable, but I wouldn't do it. But general anxiety on this level is still causing them problems and will in future if he cant get it under control. Its in Las Vegass best interests to keep visitors safe. I still tease her about it. Its just Vegas (and Disney) are more designed to keep you inside their controlled, predictable corporate environment so as to better separate you from your money. 20 Times Nature Gave Us Something Unusual to Admire, If You Have a Sweet Tooth, These 13 Products Will Help Pave the Way to Your Heart, 10 Amazing Things for Your Home That Are Extremely Cheap Right Now, 10 Best-Selling Products Thatll Make Your Bathroom Worthy of 5 Stars, How Much or How Little the Cast of Jurassic Park Has Changed 30 Years After the Films Release, 10 Tiny Items From Amazon That Can Make a Huge Difference in Your Home, A Woman Dresses Like Celebrities to Prove Any Size Can Be Stylish, How Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen On-Screen Rivalry Lead to the Best Hollywood Bromance in Real Life, 11 Times Celebrities Undermined Traditional Upbringing Methods, 7 Amazon Deals That Can Make Your Skin Glow Without Hurting Your Wallet, Monster-in-Law / New Line Cinema and co-producers. This is more his problem than yours. It sounds like theres a lot you two have to work through but if his primary concern is for your personal safety, as other folks have mentioned, Las Vegas is actually pretty safe for a big city. Even if it is a general anxiety issue, speaking as someone with plenty of personal experience with that, theres still a relationship issue here. He doesnt have friends. It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. I hope he really is as great as you say, and that this is a one-off. Sometimes its easier to understand from the outside by hearing other stories about how irrational thoughts can impact our lives. Significant others who mess with your career or education are bad news. Perhaps Allison can clarify and correct if needed? Honestly, Vegas is what you make it, and its different things for different people. And you can get into crazy stuff in any city, really; Vegas has developed a reputation for it to bring in tourism money, but there are parties and bars and even gambling in lots of other large cities in the U.S.